Where to I begin……
The last two weeks has been an interesting ride. Interesting might be an understatement. I thought I had overcame this mental block. Therefore, I would never have to go through that pain again. However. we are fragile, especially when your heart takes a beating. Your dreams seems to fade. Your future plans disrupted. Your future……uncertain.
I wish I knew where to begin but I think it all started with a cold. The cold never really left me. I was overwhelmed with a sense of chronic fatigued. I couldn’t stop yawning everyday at work. I was so sleep deprived. I can recalled the numerous times I would randomly wake up at at 2:30am. It’s been a set time in my circadian rhythm. I just wanted to sleep well. I wanted quality sleep. I had changed my beds numerous time. I was sleeping in my living room for a few months. I was sleeping beside the balcony for a few months. Nothing satisfied me. Then, last month I decided to move back into my tiny bedroom. Since then, it’s been worse than I imagined.
I arrived here in the Republic of Korea on March 29th. Months of anticipation and 2 years of hesitation has finally led me here. Why did I come here? To be completely honest….I had to get away from Toronto. I had to get away from my parents. I had to get away from my self-perceived identity in Toronto. I had no idea who I was anymore. I lost the will to be my happy self. I felt completely useless. I felt I had no skills or training. I had no inner strength. I have lost my voice. It was a culmination of everything. A bit of joy and melancholy mashed together. I was wide awake, but my world was half asleep.
It was time.
I had no idea what I was getting myself into. I had no idea how to teach English. I can’t speak Korean. I know how to speak English but I had no idea how to explain the theoretical or linguistic of the English language. English is very difficult. Fucking difficult. Why isn’t the spelling correspondent with the pronunciation? Why is “mother” not spelt “mather” if you actually have the “ma” sound. Questions ran through my head. There were answers but I didn’t bother. The only conclusion about English is this…it’s arbitrary and it’s a mixture of all ancient western languages (such as Latin/Greek) and other fancy ancient linguists combined to become what it is today. That’s all i have to say. I have nothing intellectual to say about teaching English or it’s origins.
I arrived here.
Side note: Korean Air is amazing. They got beds for babies and also baby food on board. I was very impressed by their attentiveness.
Identity: It occurred to me that everyone perceived me as being Korean. The flight attendant addressed me in Korean. I replied in English as though I understood her request and that I couldn’t reply in Korean.I felt weird. I felt as though I was ashamed that I couldn’t speak Korea because everyone assumed that I was one. It’s like the time when one of my classmate assumed that I was good at Statistic 101 because I was Asian. She befriended me. Shortly, when I didn’t delivered the results as she expected, she left me and said ” I thought you were good at math, but I’ll hang out with someone else”
Time: it was a direct 13 hour flight to Korea. I arrived here around 3:30pm. It was cold. I had to wait for my taxi cab to pick me up and transfer me to the motel where I will be staying for the night. I was told another male teacher was going to meet me at the hotel.
The hotel had three beds in this room. it was spacious. I noticed the sofa or bench. It was very Asian styled bench. The kind where it’s all hardwood and looks very ‘Asian’ or ‘Korean” to me. It’s aesthetically unpleasing to my sight. It had those Korean symbols embroidered on the back of the bench. It’s uncomfortable. It’s hard. It’s symbolized me at the moment. Hard, cold and stubborn yet lost.
I met up with this sweet lad named Christian. He was 21 and majored in Architect. He was so young and hopeful. I looked in his eyes. Whatever he’s got there, i wanted it to myself. I wanted the sparkle in those blue eyes. For my sparkle has been fading into oblivion. The only saving grace was my film. I was in a film I was actually in a freaking film!!