March 10, 2010:
As I am nearing the end of another month, even though I’d just came back from Tyler, Texas not too long ago. Time is ticking. It never ends or so it appear to be sometimes. I really like the tagline for this movie called Precious…the main girls thinks she’s unworthy of love or respect, the teacher proved her otherwise.
“Nobody loves me!”
“No, your baby loves you!”
“I am made to be worthless”…..
“I ‘LOVE’ YOU”
The tagline went as follows…..LIFE IS HARD……LIFE IS SHORT……LIFE IS PAINFUL…..LIFE IS RICH….LIFE IS precious…”
I’d yet to see the movie albeit it runs similar themes of oppression, obstacles and maybe triumph in this movie. I love movies with a triumphant ending but I especially adores personal genuine stories of struggles and the personal endurance that the individual had to overcome. That’s one reason I don’t like reading fictional books, why bother reading something like Harry Potter when real raw personal stories are commonly left unscathed in the dark. That’s just my opinion anyways.
Talk to my mother and she’ll give you all the themes of a good book and movie. Some of you may ask me why I’d left Toronto for 5 months. I guess I would clear things out for you all. Here’s a summary of what happened leading up to the moment before and after I left.
* I realized it’s not the full summary but you can talk to me personally if you need me to fill in the details.
I graduated in June 2009. The York strike really took a toll on my body, mind and spirit. Probably I was already feeling dead inside anyways but it was a catalysis that brought on some chain of events that lead to the my inevitable internal deterioration of “ME.”
I’d struggled to finish my honour thesis paper but I’d made it anyways. I had received an A from this course and I’m satisfied with that. I saw one bright light in the tunnel when I met a director who was shooting a short film from Mandy.com. I told him that I was interested and that I was available to film it if he finds me suitable for the role. I randomly sent in a resume and he immediately replied telling that I was his best candidate. I was excited and afraid because the moment told me that this could be something awesome or something gravelly deadly….aka, refer to my imagination sometimes, it gets wild and scary.
I called everyone I knew who would support me on this endeavor and asked them if this was worth it. I started dreaming the impossible and yet appeared to be possible but yet impossible and deadly. I discussed just about anything and everything that could happened to me in Shanghai. So after much speculation and dreaming and nightmares…I’d finally flew out on June 3, 2009. I arrived in Shanghai for a few day before I’d met up with the director. The director, in case you’re wondering is a very slim and skinny gifted student from Texas who happens to be young, 21, and very ambitious with his dreams.
He borrowed 10,000 US dollars from his father to finance his ‘guerilla-style’ independent film. So when I met him and his family, there was no instant comfort or connection as friends. I felt like a complete stranger around his family members and his familial filming crew. They were constantly speaking in his Shanghainese dialect while ignoring me in my face and I try to input a few opinions here and there but to say the least, I was uncomfortable in their presence.
I got a taste of ‘fame” to put it very lightly. This occurred when I was shooting one scene which is about 30 seconds where I was told to walk into a train station. A small crowd gathered near me and I felt anxious but slightly elated, and dear I say a little ‘arrogant’
I walked into the train station like I owned the catwalk…or rather in my imagination but I walked in the character of an ‘anxious agitated son who does not want to get into the train station” There’s more to this story but overall, what happened was that I was short for this role, which he could have said something about since I am only 170 cm or under.
I am short.
Furthermore, we both had different ideas for the character and we just could not agree on it together. Last but not the least, my face did not fit the frame shoot very well. I looked really magnified, my cheeks and my baby fat there in all its glory. I almost puked at the sight of it. But y’all know I look beautiful right? RIGHT? RIGHT?! This was the end of the shoot. I packed up and I left the countryside and headed towards my grandmother’s place.
From there on, I was simply sleeping, eating and embroiled with regrets of all kinds….especially studying at York and other silly things. I just sat there like a zombie, deeply saddened and deeply afraid of everything.I didn’t do anything, at least not much. I just waited for the days to pass. I eventually came back in July 23rd hoping for a change of scenery in Toronto. Nope, Nada.
The same mood lingered on and on and on……2009 was officially crappy and lombotic.
Long and winding road. I sent out resumes for anything that’s entry level for my silly degree but nothing came back. Got an interview from the place I’d volunteered for and ended up in the top 6 but was not offered the job. I was happy to have gotten that opportunity but I was miserable.
I thought I has social anxiety because I found it difficult to converse with people, which is officially not true according to you all …”what? no way..you are like the talky chatter box” yes, I made this fake quote up. I failed to get into the treatment because I accentuated my ‘depression’ and therefore I was not the best candidate for the treatment.I actually tried faking my symptoms. I was desperate for some kind of help.
And then I signed up for the Youth Employment Agency located near Richmond. The job counselor was real nice and thought I had great potential for all these jobs but wondered why I was so afraid. I was so afraid of everything by this point. All I could do, is sleep, eat and lingered in my bed. I cannot live like this I told myself. I needed drastic change.
Another catalysis that made me want to leave Toronto was the job interview….at Mr Green Jeans. I did well but since I don’t touch alcohol or wine and completely oblivious to chardonnay or merlot…(white and red right?), I was rejected of a great position.
That was by far the quickest interview although it felt like an hour, it only lasted 4 minutes on my watch. By then, I was at a low point in turns of my job options. I did find a place on Queen Street, which I will not name because they were nice to me. I worked there for 6 days, getting paid 5 dollars cash an hour. I wanted to die. I felt worthless. Out of the blue, my Uncle called me up, told me there was a position available for a server and that they needed me there within 5 days. I booked my plane ticket on Sunday, and I flew out by Wednesday.
I woke up the next day in Tyler, Texas and the journey of my transformation took place. That would be another update but I hope that’s enough for y’all. I am much more in tune with myself, my desires, my goals.
I am much happier and grateful. I love you all, I wish you joy and abundance.